How to live your life as a video games character

Always assume it’s all about you. Never for a single minute think that you are not the centre of the universe. Everybody else plays a bit part in your story, so start acting like the world revolves around you. Treat people as acquaintances and say yes to every character building, physicality strengthening opportunity. Who else is qualified enough to save the world? Nobody. It positively absolutely falls upon your shoulders to do it all.

Become really adept at climbing buildings and jumping off them. Know that your presence alone will probably cause them to collapse at some point. Gravity is your friend.

Encumber your own progress. Lock all the doors in your house/college/school/workplace. Give the keys to other people to hide in hard to reach places. The headmaster/boss’s office would be perfect, or up a really high ladder. Steal any object that is presented in front of you. It will definitely come in useful in the future.

Self Preservation. If you become injured or low on energy, rummage through some bins for a juicy looking chicken. Or perhaps search the corpses of your murdered victims. Know that anything you consume will work instantly, reviving your strength and allow you to continue, even if you’ve been shot. Know that sleep doesn’t exist. And in the extremely rare occasions that it does, the world will fade out and you will awake instantly revived. Well done you.

Never call your mum, unless she’s been kidnapped.

Give yourself a heroic name, Like Trevor McFur (Crescent Galaxy) or Decoy Octopus (MGS). My heroic name is the Sensational Creature.

Know thyself. If you find yourself in a fight, ensure you know the sequence to your own special moves. Also, make some cool onomatopoeic sound effects upon making contact with your enemy. If you find yourself in combat with an enormous leviathan threatening the very existence of mankind, it’s probably a safe bet to go for the eyes.

Live in New York. It’s where everything exciting always happens, including all natural disasters, alien invasions, and Zombie outbreaks.

Know that death is only a minor setback. Live for the next checkpoint.